Apparently there are quite a lot of snakes in Turkey. Naturally they're not quite as nasty as the ones in Australia, but they're here nonetheless, and here in considerable numbers.
I was thinking about them today, as I was going home from the city centre by bus.
To be more specific: I was thinking about the fact that a lot of snakes have extremely good close-up vision, whereas their long-range vision is rubbish. It's sometimes said that, for these species, anything further than a metre away is just an incomprehensible blur.
This is one reason (it occurred to me) why snakes would make really crap bus drivers.
The other reason, of course, is that it would be very difficult for them to brake or accelerate, on account of their tragic lack of feet. So then, if a snake found him- or herself in possession of a bus (I wondered), what would he or she do?
My guess, as we hurtled madly along the road known as Eskişehir Yolu, was that he'd (or she'd)* probably try to enlist a partner.
Before I continue, please note that the following is a dramatic re-enactment. All participants are trained actors. Only one small rodent was hurt in the process, and he more or less deserved it.
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"Mow wisten wabba," says the snake to the rabbit in his (not her) mouth, "V ony reasn I din'n bite you jss now uz m'cos I nee yo helw'."
"Huh? What?"
The snake uses his impressive jaw muscles to roll the rabbit around, trying to find a grip that makes it possible to speak a bit more clearly.
"I said I need your help!"
"Huh? Why?"
"I've got a bus, but I can't drive it."
"What? Are you NUTS?"
"No. I've got a bus ... really! Look, I'm gonna let you go and explain ... but if you run, I'll bite you, Ok?"
"Ok. No running."
"Right then." [spit]
"So, I killed this bus driver, and so now his bus is mine."
"Fucking snakes ... always solving your problems with your fucking fangs." **
"NO! Look, it wasn't like that ... honestly! I was just sleeping on the shoulder of a road, and this guy pulled up right next to me in a bus. I guess he was gonna run into the bushes for a pee, but he stepped right on me and he was wearing heavy boots. It scared the crap out of me! So y'know, I just bit him."
"Ah-huh. And?"
"And so I crawled onto the bus, just to see if I could work it. Keys were still in the ignition. I managed to turn them, and I discovered that I could control the steering wheel quite nicely with my stomach muscles - but obviously I couldn't reach the pedals. So will you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Sit on the floor under the driver's seat, and brake or accelerate when I tell you to?"
"Oh, for f---"
"C'mooooon! Remember what I said about biting. I only had a small rodent for lunch."
Half an hour later, the snake is on the road, yelling "Go, rabbit!" and "Brake, rabbit!" at regular intervals.
The bus is more or less on a stable heading, but because the snake can only see a metre ahead, the rabbit is having to stop and start violently. Every time there's an obstruction on the road, the rabbit finds himself with only tenths-of-a-second to react, and the bus lurches to a terrible halt as he screams "Fuck-a-doodle!" at the top of his lungs. Luckily, there are no passengers on board to be flung up and down the aisle.
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So yeah ... I was thinking all of this as I was standing on the bus. Which in turn led to the following thought:
"You know, anyone who's spent time in Ankara, and used the public transport system here, knows more or less EXACTLY what it would be like to be driven around by a short-sighted snake who has coerced an expleting rabbit into working the foot pedals for him."
Then I got off, feeling jarred and slightly nauseous as per usual.
The $64 million question: how is it that I always seem to end up choosing countries where the people drive like utter maniacs, refusing to acknowledge anything that's more than a metre ahead of them?
Answer: no freaking idea.
Just terrible luck, I s'pose.
(* Sorry for doing the unwieldy 'be sure to cover both genders' thing with pronouns. I'll stop it now, and just assume the snake is a boy.)
(** Recent ground-breaking research has revealed a previously unknown fact about rabbits: namely that they're among the most foul-mouthed creatures in all of nature. Badgers actually have an expression, "rabbit mouth", to refer to one who makes frequent use of 'colourful' language.)
