scriptacular #1

a rambling meditation on hangul, yin/yang & cosmic death

This is one of those times when I feel inclined to begin with a disclaimer. I'm about to ramble on the topic of 'beautiful scripts', with extremely lengthy tangents about taoism, entropy, phonology and the End of The World. I want to preface this by saying that I definitely don't consider myself an expert on any of these subjects. I just have the urge to go blah about a bunch of cool stuff I've learned, purely for the pleasure of it.

The original idea was just to tell you about hangul (Korean writing), but the more I wrote, the more my thoughts wandered in a dozen other directions. Hope that at least a few of you will be entertained by it.

So, hangul. It had to be top of my list of cool scripts, because it has consistently blown not only my mind, but also the minds of linguists and scholars. Frankly, I'd be quite surprised to learn of another writing system that makes me go "That's awesome!" as much as this one does.

The first thing you need to know about hangul is that, before it was devised, Korea was basically an illiterate country. There had been an indigenous language there for centuries, but it was written using the nightmarishly complex Chinese alphabet.

This was a problem.

Chinese writing has some odd characteristics, one of which is that it doesn't aim to match one character to one sound. Instead the focus is on matching symbols to sets of related concepts. So the symbol for "moon" might also appear in the word for "Monday", though the two words may not sound alike. (I actually don't know whether they sound alike or not; it's just a convenient example.)

The fabulously confusing flipside of this is that a completely unrelated symbol – or indeed lots of completely unrelated symbols – can represent the same sound in different environments. One instance of, say, the sound "wa" won't be conceptually related to another instance, so the two "wa"s will be written differently.

If you're confused at this point, believe me I can empathise! I had to learn a bunch of these symbols when I studied Japanese (which also uses them, much to my annoyance), and it was a huge distraction from actually learning how to use the language. But anyway, what I said above very roughly explains why there are so incredibly many Chinese characters. It's also why, if you jumped into a time machine and set it for "Korean Peninsula, mid-15th Century", then rounded up the entire literate population there, you'd find yourself hanging out with a few members of the nobility (all male) and pretty much no-one else.

A ruler called King Sejong stepped in around that time and did something that proved to be a massive turning point for his people. He basically said "Look, this is just insane! We've gotta have an alphabet that people can f!#$%ing read!"

(Note: historical accounts suggest that Sejong may have used slightly more restrained and statesmanlike terms in his original speech than in this dramatised recreation.)

Assembling a team of scholars, Sejong tasked them with developing a simple alphabet that represented all the sounds in the Korean language. "It'll be f!#$%ing brilliant!", he predicted (again slightly paraphrased). And I probably don't need to tell you the result: a revolution in literacy, dragging Korean culture and industry into the modern age. It was a masterstroke, for which the South Koreans now honour their former leader by putting his face on their money and by celebrating the 'birthday' of his alphabet every November.

So yeah ... rock on, Sejong.

But the thing I like most about hangul is that, when these eminent scholars put their brains together and started trying to suck a new writing system out of the combined grey mass, the result was more than just a logical and functional sytem. It was, if you ask me (and many others), a thing of true elegance and beauty.

The creators of Hangul were all more or less down with the tenets of Confucianism and Taoism, and at some point, they had the bright idea of threading the Taoist yin-yang concept into their brand new sexy alphabet. In fact they used it as the main tool to map the contrast between different vowel sounds.

I personally think this is just about the coolest thing ever in the history of alphabets. Why? Well, because yin/yang is an awesome idea. In its simplest form, it basically goes like this: if you want insight into the nature of the world we live in (and beyond it), you should think about the 'interplay of opposites'. Taoists see it in just about everything, from the movements of the heavens to the contrast between sounds in a language.

Granted, you may be thinking that this 'opposites attract' view of the universe sounds about as deep as a Paula Abdul song (ie. horribly, depressingly twee and simplistic). And taking it at a surface, New-Age-bumper-sticker level, I kind of agree with you. At a deeper level, though, I actually think it's a fairly profound observation. To get a feel for how it all works, you can try ploughing through the impenetrable words of mystics ... or, if you prefer, you can do a Fritjof Capra* and look at the physical world instead. Depending on my mood, I generally opt for the second one.

Let me give you one example of why.

First of all, any half-decent analysis of the universe will note that one of its main characteristics is huge contrasts in temperature. Stars are unbelievably hot; space is pretty damn cold. Magma is frikkin' boiling (which makes it responsible for a lot of terrestrial landscapes); ice is freezing (which accounts for quite a few of the others).

Again, we may seem to be in "So freakin' what?" territory here, but in fact we're on the doorstep of "Ooooh, how bizarre!" (or at least I think so). It turns out that not only are these temperature differences an essential property of a cosmos with differentiation (i.e. with actual stuff in it), but that they're also among the main driving forces of creation. They allow solar systems and planetary features to form, which in turn allows life to develop. In other words, take away the hot-cold contrast and you wouldn't have anything in the universe.

The formation of stars, which happened very early in cosmic history, is a case in point. If there had been no such thing as 'hot' or 'cold', you could never have ended up with hot stars hanging in a cold void. And the implications of that are just stupefyingly huge, because stars are the sole source of most chemical elements, making them the number one prerequisite for pretty much any other thing you can think of. (Go on, try it out: No stars, no cheese! No stars, no Marquis de Sade! No stars, no irritating small dogs! No stars, no harmonicas! See, it's all good fun.)

So yeah ... this pair of opposites is clearly quite important.

It's even more important when you consider the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which underlies a lot of modern physics. In another of those "pretty damn obvious now that someone has pointed it out" moments, this law says that all things which are hotter than their surrounds release heat into those surrounds, and all things colder than their surrounds release cold. Over time, this means that temperature differences get smaller throughout the universe, as everything and everyone slides towards uniformity. This is the process of 'entropy' – a word which is now so famous** that it barely merits an inquisitive eyebrow-raise. But wait: there's a revelation in the fine print.

See, the astonishing prediction of this Second Law thingy is that the levelling out of temperatures can destroy objects. No, hold on a sec ... that's not quite right. I should've said that it will destroy objects. All objects, to be precise. As they lose their unique thermal signatures (their temperature), they'll just kind of merge with what's around them and become part of an indistinct mush. It's called "heat death", and it spells the end of the universe. I mean the real end – not some arbitrary date when Mayan calendar manufacturers ran out of paper and went "Bugger, what are we going to do with all the pictures of kittens we haven't used yet?", before deciding it would be funny just to print what they had and see whether movie producers and credulous folk would use it to try and scare the crap out of each other in centuries to come.

Short version: this is it, people. We're all gonna die.

Thankfully, though, it won't happen for a while. To see heat death with your own eyes, you'll need to hang around for another few billion years – and then, of course, you won't see it, because you'll be all mushy and formless as well, and hence rather lacking in the eye department.

(No heat, no eyes ... fun! ).

Oh well, never mind; you probably wouldn't enjoy it.

Once again, I realise that I've gone way, way off the point here. I just love all this wacky science stuff. I think my original intention was to say that, if you let the whole yin-yang / union of opposites thing roll around in your brain for a while, it begins to seem not so silly after all. And I've only mentioned only one pair of opposites. Imagine extrapolating this to try and calculate the importance of all the opposing qualities contained in the universe, and you get an idea of how yinnish and yangular (yinful and yangly? yintastic and yangalicious?) our existence really is.

But what exactly does all this have to do with writing systems?  

Well, heading back in vaguely the right direction: contrasts between opposing positions of the 'vocal apparatus' (your mouth, lips, throat and so on) are hugely important in forming the basic sounds of human languages. Vowels are essentially 'open' sounds, because when you produce one, you just let air come out of your mouth, without blocking or restricting it. Consonants are different (in fact they're the opposite), because they're 'closed' to various degrees. You form them by pushing air out of your lungs but then blocking it on the way out, either forcing it up through your nose or letting it go again after a fraction of a second. That's essentially what a consonant is: a puff of air trying to get out of you while you're saying "No!".

At a finer level of detail, vowels are described as being "high" or "low" and "front" or "back", because we make them by shaping our mouths differently to direct the airflow up, down, backward and forward, resulting in slightly different tones. And it's not an 'either/or' situation; some languages have huge vowel inventories, made possible by subtle degrees of balance between extreme opposite positions in the mouth.

Consonants, meanwhile, are partly distinguished by the degree of closure required to produce them. A 'stop' requires complete closure (try making an /m/ sound and you'll see what I mean), whereas a 'glide' (like the English /r/ sound) is almost open, and a 'fricative' requires partial but not complete closure to produce friction. (Try the /v/ sound and notice what's going on between your teeth and your bottom lip. This gives /v/ its slightly risqué-sounding technical name: the 'labio-dental fricative'.)

To sum up all that awful jargon: it's largely by choosing between opposite extremes of 'open' and 'closed', 'high' and 'low' etc. that we're able to make any sounds more distinctive and sophisticated than the one our dentist wants to hear before he starts invading our mouths with terrifying pieces of equipment.

The scholars who put the hangul system together knew all of this linguistic stuff of course. Being Taoists, they would've seen it as confirmation that language reflects other cosmic and natural processes governed by the yin and the yang. Hence their decision to represent a spiritual concept in a writing system.

So about these characters, then: all the vowels in hangul are based around three essential strokes. A horizontal line represents the Earth, the essence of yin. A dot much higher up represents the Sun in the sky, the essence of yang. (This usually becomes a short diagonal line, like a serif connected to the vertical, when the character is drawn using a brush.) Then there's the third stroke, a vertical line representing an upright human form, mediating between these two cosmic forces.

All of this was meant to reflect the idea that human language mirrors nature at a fundamental level, which at the time seemed to make it the perfect tool for gaining a better understanding of what the Hell is going on out there. (Btw, mathematicians now make a similar claim about their arcana of symbols, saying that they describe a 'language of nature'. You could see this, I think, as the modern equivalent of what the Korean scholars were getting at.)

And here's where the technical side of things starts to get a bit clever. If the vowel is iotated***, this is shown by throwing in a second vertical or horizontal stroke, parallel to the first. In this way, the written forms of the letters actually function as a guide to how they're pronounced: when you see the extra stroke, you know that you need to produce the /j/ sound which always begins an iotated vowel.

The consonants of hangul take this idea much further. Their shapes tell you which bits of your vocal apparatus you should use to stop the airflow when you form the sound. They also show how you should release the air, which is one of the main things that distinguishes different classes of consonants. For example, the symbol for /m/ shows two pursed lips, while the symbol for /p/ shows the same but with two squiggly lines repesenting the explosive nature of the release. If you make these two sounds, you'll notice that your mouth starts off in basically the same position, but with the /p/ sound, you let out a little 'plosion' of air.

What you're doing here – and what you do every time you make an /m/ or a /p/ in your own language – is clearly illustrated in Korean characters. Isn't that cool?

Btw, one of the reasons I love this is because it helps to achieve the main goal of hangul. Sejong's position was pretty clear: he wanted to take reading and writing – and hence education – out of the hands of affluent nobles, and put it into the hands of the 'common man'. And if you've got an alphabet that visually reminds you of how to read it, that goes a long way towards achieving this mission. In a sense, you might even argue that this was one of the great socialist projects of history. But to combine such a pragmatic socialist idea with the airy, abstract spiritual concepts of Taoism is just ... well, it's just weird and admirable and (if you ask me) pretty inspired.

One last thing before I finally stop ranting about hangul. In the last entry I mentioned the distinction between an alphabet and a syllabary. In an alphabet, one character is supposed to represent one sound (though if you consider English words like "thought", which contains only three sounds but seven letters, you'll see that it doesn't always work out quite so neatly). In a syllabary, one character represents one syllable. 

The Japanese hiragana system is a classic example of a syllabary. If you look at the word on the right, you'll immediately notice that it has one character per syllable. This is true of all Japanese words written with indigenous characters (though there's an anomaly with the character for /n/, which doesn't quite fit the western definition of what a 'syllable' actually is). In a nutshell, this is how syllabaries work.

There are loads of these in the world, as well as loads of alphabets of course. But there aren't many writing systems which can claim to be both at the same time. In fact, I suspect hangul may be the only one.

An individual hangul symbol is called a jamo, which means "letter mother". In other words, these symbols aren't meant to be letters in themselves; rather they're the means of creating letters. It's done like this:

Obviously there's one syllable here, made up of three jamo all fused together into a single über-character. You start by reading the jamo at the top left, which is the consonant sound /h/ . Then you read the vowel /a/ on the right. Finally you go to the bottom and read the concluding consonant /n/. All Korean letters look like this, with the relative size of each jamo adjusted to work as harmoniously as possible with its neighbours. (The final consonant is often vertically squished – an /n/ in top-left position would have a much longer upright stroke.)

All fine and good, but there's a problem. The syllable 'han' has all its possible slots filled – there's an onset (a consonant at the beginning), a nucleus (i.e. a vowel) and a coda (a consonant which rounds off the syllable). But what if one of these things is missing? If you look at the word "angel", you can see that the first syllable has no consonant at the start; in phonological terms, it lacks an onset. How do you stop that from wrecking your beautiful system?

Well, if you're one of Sejong's dream team, you've got a devilishly simple answer for this up your sleeve: just throw a circle into the top left position, to indicate 'empty slot'. Solved :-)

In final position, btw, a circle will have a different sound: you read it like the "-ng" in "sing", because that's the shape you form inside your mouth when you want to make an "-ng" sound at the end of a syllable. But if it's in first position, you get characters like the one on the right. It reads

top left consonant: --
vowel (right): a
final consonant: n

And that's how you get an alphabet and a syllabary rolled into one. Pretty clever, no?

To finish off, let me give you one more jamo: the vowel "yeo", which you can see here on the left. With this in your arsenal, you should now have enough information to be able to say "Hi" in Korean, using your newly-acquired reading skills.

Remember that:

- consonants in top left position are tall and thin
- consonants in final position are short and fat, as though
   someone has sat on them
- a circle in top left position is silent, whereas in final position
   it sounds like "-ng".

  

So .. how did you go?

I'm going to shut up now, but I'll continue this series of entries soon with some cool squiggly wiggly scripts and a little ramble (or possibly a very long one) about Cyrillic. After that, I'm planning to tell you about the eerie similarities between Macquarie University (in Sydney) and the militsia in Odessa. 

In the meantime ... Merry Western Christmas, and Praise be to Magic Woody Allen Komodo Dragon Zombie Jesus!****

Bye )))

* Capra was the guy who wrote the super-bestselling book 'The Tao of Physics', which meditates in detail on connections between the tenets of eastern spirituality and the theories of modern science.

** Just wanted to say that entropy is number #1 on the list of things regrettably made famous by annoying Americans, and thereby unfairly stripped of credibility. No #2 is Kabbalah. It's a shame, because in fact they're both quite serious, cool and profound. As it happens, Kabbalah actually represents my personal road into this kind of cosmic speculation, because it shares the Taoist pre-occupation with the 'union of opposites', and I discovered it at quite an early age. Such a pity that it became associated later on with Madonna, Queen of Tosspots :-( 

*** Iotated vowels are basically vowels preceded by a /j/ sound. (/j/ is the phonetic symbol for the first sound in the word "yes", usually written with a "y" in English but also present in words like "Europe".) Lots of languages have them, and they're very handy because they can double your stock of vowels by creating pairs of related but distinct sounds. Ukrainian, for example, has ten vowels, of which eight are 'pairs': a/ja, e/je, i/ji and u/ju. (You'll notice that in each pair, one sound has the /j/ and the other doesn't.) To English speakers, these iotated sounds are heard as a consonant followed by a vowel, rather than as a single sound, because we use a different system (short vs. long) to flesh out our vowel inventory. But speakers of languages with iotation hear the /j/ as part of one continuous sound, so they get a 'bonus vowel' in this way. There ... weren't you just dying to know that?

**** This is from a Tim Minchin song that made me laugh a lot when I heard it.   

love your alphabet ... where'd you get it?

Hello!

I've been thinking a lot about alphabets lately. Why? Well, to be honest I kind of always do – it's a word nerd thing. But my degree of interest has definitely risen above its usual baseline level this year. Not 100% sure what prompted this, but I think it started when I took a beginner's course in Japanese.

As I'm sure many of you know, Japanese is a very alphabetically intense language. It has two 46-character syllabaries*, used in conjunction with several thousand imported Chinese characters, and elements of both systems frequently appear side-by-side in the same words. So in the first half of 2011, I spent quite a lot of time practising and memorising endless combinations of strokes and flourishes.

The other reason, I guess, is that I've spent pretty much the whole year in what I not-very-imaginatively call 'Cyrillic World' – i.e. that part of the world in which varieties of the Cyrillic alphabet are used to represent the sounds of local languages.

There are quite a few versions of Cyrillic, because the languages it's used for differ in their sound inventories, so of course characters have to be invented or adapted to accommodate this. And recently, I was a little surprised to realise that I've actually developed distinct preferences for some Cyrillic alphabets over others.

This struck me as being quite odd. I mean, why should I prefer one set of abstract symbols to another? Why should anyone?

This thought set me off on a daisy chain of other aimless musings, some of which (being a part-time sadist) I'm going to share with you now.

See, I figure that if someone asks you "What are your favourite kinds of music?", there's an obvious and reasonable basis for their question. Music is clearly something that we engage with on an emotional level. (In fact, earlier this year I heard the following words in a Ted** talk: "Mathematics is the language of science, and music is the language of human emotions". Don't know how the rest of you feel, but personally I think that sums it up rather nicely.) So having a preference for certain kinds of music simply implies that some forms of emotional expression 'speak to you' more than others ... which makes perfect sense, given that we're all different and ya-ya-ya, the usual palaver.

But what about this question: "What's your favourite boys' name?"

I think that, in answering a question about name preferences, there are a number of considerations which different people draw on to varying extents. You might answer partly based on positive associations you have with people you know who go by certain names. Or you may be attracted to the meaning of the name. That's all perfectly fine and rational. But then there are somewhat more abstract considerations, like the sound of the name. And I know that spelling is a factor too, if you're one of those people who like names with, say, the letter "x" in them. (Personally I like almost any name with "ж" in it, which roughly equates to "zh" in Roman letters. Both the sound and the look appeal to me.) So here we're moving away from something that has an obvious connection to human emotions, and towards something that's a bit less readily explicable.

How about this one: "What's your favourite English word?" Do you have one? If so, why? Is it really possible to react emotionally with a mere word?

Of course, I'm sure that a comfortable majority of the people who visit me here at The Manor would answer with an emphatic "yes!". And so would I – no hesitation at all.

Recently at a teachers' meeting, a colleague asked me to come up to the board and write one of my favourite English words, as a lead-in to a rather nifty language game he was presenting. So many contenders flashed through my mind that I found it difficult to isolate one. Those few seconds were like a nostalgic little head trip, during which I recalled the pleasure I've derived from using or hearing dozens of different words. And playing them off against each other was extremely difficult, because the pleasures associated with each are so distinct.

(In case you're wondering, I ended up going with palaver, which I semi-deliberately used above. But then I instantly regretted it, and wished I'd chosen purr or weirdarse or paraphernalia or any of a hundred others instead.)

So yeah ... I'm definitely with the 'favourite words' people.

At the same time, this weirds me out a little, because I really have no idea why I should care about words at all. They're just conventions, used for practical purposes like referring to objects, explaining what we want, saying where things are in relation to one another and so on. Take away all those referent objects and wishes and whatnot, and the words we use to describe them have absolutely no business being in the universe at all. And when we try to use words for more profound things, like communicating our emotional states to other people, they often fail us – sometimes because of our limited ability to use them well, but other times because of limitations inherent in the actual words themselves.

Perhaps more damningly, if you exclude the relatively rare phenomenon of onomatopoeia, the form of all the words we use is utterly without significance. I mean, the sounds "c-a-t" have no more relation to a cuddly four-legged animal that can purr and be house-trained than the sounds "n-e-k-o" (which is "cat" in Japanese) or "k-o-sh-k-a" (a female cat in Russian). It's only because humans implicitly agree on the meanings of these little sound streams that they can signify anything at all; take away our willingness to make millions of these semantic contracts with each other, and a neko could signify "the person who carried me around in her uterus for nine months" to you, and "a small sausage-shaped object which I found in my garden last week" to your neighbour. Far more likely, though, it would mean precisely nothing to either of you.

So yeah, you get the idea ... words are essentially hollow, empty vessels, free of inherent content. And explaining why we feel more affection for some of these vessels than others generally involves just looking at, say, an adjective, and remarking that we really like the cut of its jib ... which strikes me as pretty lame.

Ok, time to move a bit closer to my actual point. If all of this applies to words – the weapon of choice for everyone from Chaucer to Chekov, from Obama to Murakami – then it surely applies even more to alphabets. A bunch of strokes on a page, used for the fairly mechanical task of composing words, which we've already established are meaningless: how can anyone possibly feel for these things?

And yet, I do.

As a consequence of all these musings, I'm now wondering this: am I alone here, or are there other people who also experience some kind of reaction to written characters? I don't know the answer. I hope it's a yes, though, because I'm about to ramble on this topic in much greater detail.

In fact, bearing in mind everything I've said above, I've decided to present you with a little collection of writing systems which, for one reason or another, I love or admire.

*several seconds of nonplussed silence*

I knew you'd be pleased )))

It's gonna be in at least two parts, because it's a subject that's oddly close to my heart, and I have a lot to say about it. Before I do, though, would anyone else care to

a) say what your favourite alphabet(s) are, and why; or
b) hazard a guess as to which ones I'm gonna throw onto my list of favourites?

I'd really like to hear from you about this, especially on the first point. So if you've been dying to get some dirty confession like "I just adore Hebrew script!" off your chest, now's your chance. Neither myself or anyone else here will judge you, I promise.

Waiting ...

 
* A syllabary is a system of writing in which every character represents one syllable. This is in contrast to the idea of an 'alphabet', in which each character represents one sound – at least in theory. (Anyone who has studied English, with its dog's breakfast of a spelling system, knows that this theory doesn't hold up very well in the real world!)  

** "Ted" = ted.com, a website which I mentioned in a recent entry. I won't plug it again; just wanted to clear up the reference.

shaking in (rapturous) approval

As much as life resists being reduced to a set of rules like "X is good, Y is bad, do A to be happy and B to be sad", I do have a few little guidelines that I try to live by. One of them is "never eat anything bigger than your own head". Another is "see one country each year that blows your mind".

For the last six years I've managed to keep to this second rule, though not always in a neat, well-organised way. In 2009 for example, Uzbekistan took out the prize with no question, but 2010 was far less clear-cut. In the end it was a toss-up between Finland (which I almost don't like to count, 'cause it was actually my fourth visit there) and Cambodia (which made the list only for Angkor and the adjacent town of Siem Reap, with its deep red soils, bright green geckos and exciting 'Far East meets Wild West' feel ... whereas the rest of the country pretty much left me cold, so again I'm not sure if it really counts).

This year was always gonna be a tough one, 'cause I'd plunged into a new position of academic responsibility, and in any case I was mainly focussed on seeing a bit more of KZ. Partly as a result of these things, the calendar almost ran out before I had the chance to reel like a head-slapped fish in a country I'd never visited before.

And then, at about 8am yesterday morning, I looked out the window of my hostel and saw this:

The "this" in question is the Tsarevets fortress in Veliko Turnovo*, a town of about 70,000 people which has the twin distinctions of being a) Bulgaria's medieval capital, and b) one of the coolest places I've been for a long time.

As far as possible, I try to avoid overloading these pages with rapturous prose, 'cause if you write super-enthusiastically about everything, then none of it really means anything. But when discussing Veliko Turnovo, this is quite difficult. When I dragged my bag into town and started to take in the scenery here, I really felt like I'd arrived in the 'Balkans of my imagination'.

To give you the basics: Veliko Turnovo is spread over a cluster of three or four hills, separated by deep valleys that plunge downards like a daring neckline to the Yantra river. The unusual layout affords panoramic views from one neighbourhood to another, as though each were an island viewed across a narrow sea inlet.

In the central part of town, sleepy alleyways paved with huge, uneven cobbles wind up and away from the main tourist strip, flanked on either side by vine-covered houses that cling to the slopes. Some of these streets have followed roughly the same course since this region of Bulgaria was part of ancient Thrace, and even earlier.

In the mornings, mist hangs over the valleys and the air fills with the smell of local bakeries, baking soft warm breads with nuts, apple or sheep's cheese inside. The days are sunny, and in the evenings, as the chill closes in, you can retire to any number of great cafes and restaurants to sample local wines and traditional Bulgarian cuisine, both of which have held some very pleasant surprises (in fact, I can say without a doubt that Bulgarian food is among the tastiest I've come across anywhere in Europe, east or west. Who knew, eh?).

Finally, making your way home at night, the mysterious silhouettes of cottages peer out of the darkness as you walk through dimly-lit backstreets, enjoying the odour of wood smoke and the shadowy movements of the feline population.

So you see, in light of all this, trying to find something negative to say about Veliko Turnovo is really quite a challenge. Let's see ... um, interruptions to the local water supply are fairly regular, and your shower head can suddenly start throbbing violently while you're standing under it ... and, er ... well, some of the bars on the main street are a tiny bit tacky, and ... hmmm, what else ... nope, that's pretty much all I can think of. The rest is just great, great, great. I love this place.

Ok, time to rant a little about the Tsarevets, which is the thing sticking out at the top of the hill in the first photo. It's the third fortress built on this spot; the first appeared in ancient Greek times, to be replaced much later (5th Century AD) by a Byzantine stronghold. That one didn't last long though, because in the 7th Century Slavic peoples invaded the area and made Byzantine crumble out of Fortress Number Two.

Five centuries later, Veliko Turnovo's burgeoning population had made it one of Europe's more significant medieval capitals, and a full-blown citadel was built here. The scale of this one was extremely ambitious; walls snaked across one of the main valleys, encapsulating almost all of the town.

Most of the building is in various states of ruin today, but quite a lot of the medieval walls are still standing, and you can find traces of the earlier contructions here and there. Walking around the grounds, you occasionally come across the foundations of a basilica or the broken base of a column. These mysterious bits of stonemasonry tell no discernible stories (though they might, if you were there with a knowledgeable guide); they just lie around between ruined walls, saying "Go on then; see if you can guess how old I am!"

So yeah ... if I had to sum up the Tsarevets in a single phrase, I think I'd choose "fabulously impressive".

I couldn't help thinking that, if this thing were located further west, it would be excruciatingly famous. In a way, it's nice that this is not the case, because on the day when I was there (yesterday) I shared its extensive territory with maybe 20 people. A whole freakin' medieval fortress, almost to myself! It was grand :-)

The tall pointy thing at the top, btw, is a church called 'The Holy Ascension of Jesus'. I said a couple of entries ago that I'm generally not a great fan of museums, and then went on to talk about one for a long, long time. Now I have to do the same with regard to churches. I don't think I've ever written about a church before on The Manor, because I generally find them much of a muchness. But as with all rules, there are exceptions :-)

The thing which bowled me over about 'The Holy Ascension' wasn't obvious from the outside. It was when I stepped inside that I started making "Oooooh!" noises.

See, in 1981 Bulgaria celebrated the 1,300th anniversary of its statehood (not entirely unbroken, mind you), and as part of this, the Holy Ascension church was fully renovated and re-decorated.

An artist called Teofan Sokerov was commissioned to paint the inside, and he covered every available inch of wall- and ceiling-space with murals showing key episodes from Bulgarian history, throwing in just a little biblical stuff for good measure. The paintings are stunning, and the effect of walking around this space, with such vivid, stark imagery all around you, is a bit like being in a parallel reality where you can almost hear the thoughts of ghosts.

Beats the stuffing out of sadistic, poorly-painted catholic death marches (oops, I meant "Stations of The Cross") and flat-as-a-tack Orthodox icons, does it not?

Of course, in a move that surprised no-one, the church authorities refused to re-consecrate 'The Holy Ascension' when they saw the work that Sokerov had done inside it. So now it functions only as a museum. Your loss, guys :p

Anyway, my little sojourn in Veliko Turnovo ended in a fairly unremarkable but extremely pleasant way: one more evening walk through the lantern-lit streets, one more delicious Bulgarian meal (this time at a place called 'The Happy Man' ... which I certainly was after trying their food!), and one more sunrise over the Tsarevets.

Now I'm back in Sofiya, having spent a second day unsuccessfully hunting for caves (which seem unusually determined not to be found by anyone without their own car). Things went a little pear-shaped when I left V. Turnovo: the bus company sent me to a place called Yablanitsa, which was a rather horrible near-ghost town. Or at least, it seemed horrible until I made the brief acquaintance of a few locals, who were just warm and lovely and did everything they could to try and help the itinerant foreigner who'd arrived in their town. This brought back a thought I'd had earlier in the week: namely that, if everyone in the world was as nice as Bulgarian people, it would be a far more pleasant planet than it is!

Unfortunately, though, this comment only applies to the human residents of the country. It says nothing about the canine population, every single one of which wanted to tear me limb-from-limb when I finally reached the town of Brestnitsa (where the bus company should've sent me in the first place). It was only 10km from Yablanitsa, but it took me about four hours to a) work out how to get there, and b) actually get there.

I mean, admittedly, the first 40 minutes of that time was spent standing pathetically on one side of a highway trying to hitch – an endeavour doomed to failure, when every car that passes is a smallish sedan with a grandpa and grandma in the front seat, looking at you as though you were a smouldering piece of spaceship wreckage, their back seat too full of junk to accommodate you anyway. But even so ... the town-to-town link proved extremely difficult to discover.

When I finally arrived in Brestnitsa it was getting late, and I suspected the cave (which is 4km distant from the town) was on the verge of closing for the day anyway. But I was here now, so I approached the only place I'd seen which looked like it might contain people who could help me, hoping to get some information about transport or opening times, or anything else useful.

I was about 50 metres from the front door when three stray dogs, who had been separately milling around near the main road, suddenly came together and formed a 'pack'. The leader started running at me with bared teeth, making his intention to eat me pretty clear. "Oh shit!", I thought. "Dog-related emergency in a deserted town. What now?"

As the others fell in behind their new pack-leader, things began to look extremely grim, and I took the only escape route I could think of: I ran into the oncoming highway traffic. As the cars swerved around me (thank gods!), I managed to put distance between myself and the baying hounds, and they eventually lost interest in my violent death. I made my way back to a bus shelter at the other end of town, where a gypsy guy hit me up for money and cigarettes. At this point I decided that enough was enough, and flagged down a coach back to civilisation.

Not my best day.

Still, despite the less-than-wonderful doggy denouement, I'm going to feel a little sad when I leave Bulgaria tomorrow. I've just loved what I've seen of this country so far, and after ten days of travelling in it, I'm in no doubt that I've barely scratched the surface.

Luckily I've got two companions here who have just poured me some rakia (a clear Bulgarian spirit made with plums or grapes, sipped slowly like brandy), so I can round off this entry with a toast. Hmmm ... let me see ...

Here's to my future return to Bulgaria!

(* Sometimes spelled "Tarnovo", due to ambiguities concerning the correct transliteration of the Bulgarian vowel "ъ" into Roman letters.)

shake for yes, nod for no ...

Ok, settle in ... got a feeling this is gonna be a long one. I've got some "Oooh, look at the pretty stuff!" to get through, as well as some tales of travel dysfunction, and I've decided to do it all in one. So let's get the ball and chain rolling, and see if we can't crumble all our cookies into a wide selection of baskets ...

1: An Ambush of Frankfurts /  A Glean of Shakes*

I’m absolutely starving, and I need to order something from the in-flight menu. Normally having to order and pay for food on an aeroplane is something that vaguely irritates me about the so-called ‘budget’ airlines, and I refuse on principle. But on this occasion, I simply have no choice.

See, getting out of Frankfurt wasn’t as easy as anticipated … in fact, for a while I really thought I might miss my flight. The problem was that, not only is there more than one place in Germany called Frankfurt, but more than one of the Frankfurts have an airport. Whoever would've anticipated that?

(The answer is "anyone who bothered to look closely at their ticket, thereupon noticing that they were flying out from Frankfurt Hahn, not from Frankfurt Main". But then, this is assuming that the ticket – printed in a travel agency in Kazakhstan – had the words "Frankfurt" and "Hahn" written in at least mildly proximal parts of the page. Which it didn't.)

The upshot: after a mad rush across the centre of the country, from Frankfurt to Frankfurt, I barely made it on-board, and I certainly didn’t end up with enough time to stop and buy dinner/snacks along the way. I’ll be landing at 11pm, with no idea of whether or not anything will be open then. So a bought-on-board dinner it has to be.

I’m in the aisle seat, and there’s a middle-aged woman sitting in the window seat. I notice that she’s been browsing through the menu as well, but I don’t speak her language, so when the flight attendant arrives behind her cart, I make a “Would you like to order?” gesture. The woman shakes her head.

I cleverly deduce from this that she must have changed her mind, and proceed to order. Then, after I’ve finished, Window Woman addresses the flight attendant, ordering a coffee.

A moment later I realise what's just happened. Two thoughts travel simultaneously in opposite directions through my brain. One is “Idiot! You haven’t even landed in the country yet, and you’ve already screwed that up – and been rude to a nice lady in the process!” The other thought is “Wow … so it’s really true, then. Amazing!”

And that was basically how my adventure in Bulgaria – often said to be the only country on Earth where people shake their heads for "yes" and nod for "no" – kicked off.


2: A Ponder of Public Spaces **

Er ... you know up above, when I said "Right now I'm starving"? Well, the "right now" part was kind of a lie. I mean, it was true when I wrote it, but some time has passed since then.
 
I’ve actually been in Bulgaria for six days now. It's been really fun to be in a 'new' Slavic country (I mean new for me), and Bulgaria is an especially beautiful and cool one, with truly breathtaking landscapes and people who really couldn't be much nicer. (More about these things a bit later. Much more, in fact.)

I've made some beginner-level progress with the language, 'cause there are lots of links to Russian (and Ukrainian), so you can often work things out by comparing and contrasting. I've got greetings, some everyday objects, and simple question forms figured out, and have even learned some adjectives and exclamations. (Every time I say "Mnogo yako!", which means "Cool!", Bulgarians give me an impressed eyebrow-raise. They're very kind :-) So I'm feeling rather pleased with myself about that.

In stark contrast to my beginner-level Bulgarian, though, my attempts to master the nodding/shaking thing have fallen flat. Haven’t come anywhere near being able to train my head to go sideways when I want something and up and down when I don't. And honestly, if I stayed for a year, I still don’t think I'd get it. It’s just too damn counter-intuitive!

Anyway, at some point I guess I should stop rambling about this silly stuff and tell you where I've actually been.

My journey began in the capital Sofiya, which has a pleasant, very faintly Bohemian atmosphere, and is rather beautiful in a disorganised kind of way. The first day I was there I took things very slowly, not venturing out into the city until mid-afternoon. When I finally did so, I found myself on one of the semi-pedestrianised main streets, where I saw a group of young people playing violin and dancing to their own tunes in the middle of the road, as trams and pedestrians wove around them.

"Hmmm ... dancing and violin playing on the road? I think I'm gonna like this place!", I thought.

Wandering around the city, the image I repeatedly saw in my mind's eye was of a gigantic child wandering through the Balkan hills and mountains, holding a vast suitcase full of toys. All the toys in the case were houses and other buildings in a random assortment of styles. Just at the moment when the child stepped over Vitosha (the mountain which overlooks Sofiya), his suitcase unlatched and fell open, and the toy buildings tumbled out, falling earthwards and landing in no particular order. And thus the city of Sofiya was born.

If it sounds unpleasant, it isn't (though some locals disagree). The lack of a dominant, coherent style in the city somehow works, as though everything just happened to fall fairly well in a kind of 'eclectic ensemble' . As you walk around, you catch regular glimpses of elaborately-sculpted rooftops and grand public buildings, from mosques to markets, and even a Russian Orthodox church with Indian-inspired frescoes over the doorway and a roof inspired by Scandinavian design. And in the underpasses, you see occasional fragments of the Roman city, buried over time as Sofiya re-invented herself under various regimes as a multi-faith metropolis. (There's also a hotel with a glass lobby floor, under which the remains of the city's Roman Colosseum are visible. Really cool!)

One more thing before I move on: Sofiya is also a rather green city, with lots of parks to break up the urban clutter – some of them quite extensive. In one of the smaller ones, surrounded by gardens, street musicians, artists selling their paintings, locals enjoying the sunshine, and couples meeting up for coffee and other things that couples meet up for, stands the beautiful national theatre, dedicated to Bulgaria's national poet, Ivan Vazov.

As I was admiring this little corner of the Bulgarian capital, I started thinking about why so many people from 'young' English-speaking countries like Australia and the US are seduced by the charm of Europe, and my thoughts were cast back to a lecture I saw a while ago on ted.com*** The speaker was James H Kunstler, an outspoken critic of urban development in the US, and he spoke angrily and passionately about how America has designed most of its public space in a way that "generates despair" and "prevents us from living in hope".

Two of the other phrases that Kunstler kept coming back to were "places that aren't worth caring about" and "places that nobody wants to be in" . And superimposing my own views onto his, it seems to me that these criticisms could be applied elsewhere as well, especially in young countries like Australia. Going further, I think this has happened partly because, in some parts of the world, the person has been replaced by the family car as the basic unit of public life. 

In fairness, English-speaking countries (young and old) do have plenty of pleasant public spaces; I mean, if you're from the US, the UK or Aust, you can probably think of locations in your home town which fit the 'despair' description, but also of others that don't at all. (Tip: for the despair places, start with shopping centres.) And it also has to be said that most old European cities I've visited contain some pretty unappealing suburban cultural wastelands.

The point is, though, at one end of the spectrum are horrible, car-focussed suburban sprawls, while at the other end lies the square and gardens around this theatre in Sofiya ... along with hundreds upon hundreds of other places like it all over Europe, where urban planners have designed environments with people, not parking, in mind.  

It's evidently a skill which takes centuries to acquire, 'cause if you compare the Ivan Vazov Theatre gardens with, say, Pitt St Mall in Sydney (or Martin Place for that matter), they're almost poles apart. Pitt St Mall, right in Sydney's centre, actually reflects the 'original' concept of a mall in Australia, which was not a shopping centre but an outdoor pedestrian zone ... though not a very pleasant one. It's basically a big concrete rectangle separating rows of department stores, and at lunch time there can be literally thousands of people there, but there are only about eight seats. The implication being "We'll let you walk outside if you want, and even keep the traffic away ... but in the end, if you want to have a nice time, you have to go inside to where the shops are". Appalling.

So yeah ... all in all, I can't say that Sofiya is the most attractive capital I've ever seen, but it definitely has its appeal, and I'll be glad to see it again in a few days' time )))

3: A Richesse of Scenery**

The day after my introduction to Sofiya, I found myself on Mount Vitosha (courtesy of two local guys with a car). This is where I got my first little taste of Bulgaria's natural environment, which has left me rather awe-struck at several points over the last six days.

As we stood next to the impressive 'River of Stones' that runs down one side of Vitosha (formerly just a normal river, but for some odd geological reason, now more full of boulders than of water), I took in for the first time the stunning autumnal yellows and oranges of the Bulgarian forest.

As it's turned out, this "Gosh, what a forest!" thing would become something of a leitmotif over the following days. Without wishing to boast, I think it's fair to say that I've wandered through a pretty decent number of forests in my time, and Bulgaria's would have to be among the prettiest I've seen anywhere. The combination of evergreen and decidious trees makes for a wild autumnal palette, as fiery reds, rich oranges and festive yellows mix with deep greens in a colourmash that's quite stunning – especially when you stick it onto the sides of mountains, of which Bulgaria is in no short supply.

However, if I had to name the high-points of my travels so far, I'd need to look further afield than Sofiya and Vitosha. I'd probably start with the Old Town of Plovdiv, from where I'm writing this entry.

When I first arrived here, it seemed a fairly unappealing grid of grimy tower blocks and industrial smokestacks. My first contact with the Old Town improved things, and I was particularly happy to discover that it's a regular haunt for hundreds (maybe thousands) of cats. It made such a nice change from the former Soviet cities I've been living in, where cats are rarely seen on the streets, whereas stray dogs (eeuugghhh!!!) are a constant presence and an occasional hazard. But Plovdiv's Old Town is divided into upper and lower parts, and I was staying in the lower section, which doesn't compare to other medieval Old Towns I've seen. (As a former resident of the fairytale city of Tallinn, my standards are pretty damn high!)

However, when I finally found the upper part – not as easy as you might imagine – I definitely had a few 'Tallinn moments'. Those are the moments when you just let yourself immerse completely in the tasty medieval goodness, occasionally uttering silent exclamations like "Wow, this is just freakin' great!".

Incidentally, I found Plovdiv's Upper Old Town quite by accident, because one of the entrances to it is directly above the (get this) still-functioning Roman theatre. Yeah, I know ... not lacking in coolness at all :-)

Obviously if you go to Italy, you expect to see this sort of thing, but in Bulgaria it comes as kind of a bonus. So I was just delighted to wander through well-preserved ruins, taking loads of photos, and sharing the space with no more than four or five polite German tourists and a couple of stray cats. I sat in the stalls for a while, wondering what it must have been like to be here 1,900-odd years ago ... and especially how the crowds would have reacted to a performance they didn't like back then.

Oh, and I found mushrooms growing among the remnants of Greek-inscribed columns. Don't know if they were magic ones, but again ... cool!

My camera well-and-truly full of Roman theatre pics, I then wandered out through the entrance gate (which, charmingly enough, lacked any kind of ticket office or counter, guarded instead by an old guy in a red cardigan and a sleeping kitty), and I noticed an intriguing alleyway on my right. Turning into the alleyway for no other reason than that I was a tourist, and tourists have time to wander into intriguing alleyways with no particular aim in mind, I suddenly found myself in a rather beautiful place.

At the top of a hill that marks the highest point of the Upper Old Town, there's an extensive ruin of a fortress that used to protect Plovdiv. Here tourists come during the day to admire the view, while at night it's a favoured spot for local teens to gather and snog each other in the moonlight, or just to drink beer. I lingered among the ruins for a while (despite my lack of beer or a snogging partner), just enjoying the sunset ... as one so often does when perched atop a hill among the huge stones of a ruined fortress.

As I was leaving, I ran into an American guy who I'd met at the hostel in Sofiya. He was with his Bulgarian girlfriend, who grew up here. She told me regretfully that, when she was a teenager, she lived in a nearby house with a view of the ruins ... which meant that she could never come here and drink/snog with the others, in case her mum and dad looked out of their living room window and caught her!

Poor girl.

So that was highlight number one. Number two was the journey from Plovdiv to Smolyan, a medium-sized town in the country's deep south which abutts the Greek border. I closed my eyes as the bus was leaving Plovdiv, and opened them about half an hour later to find myself in the middle of a Euro forest wonderland.

Honestly, the scenery here was just mouth-watering. The road wound along beside a small river, which periodically did crazy 180 turns and reversed its course. Cliffs towered impressively on either side – sometimes sheer and bare, but more often thickly blanketed in the colourful autumn foliage which seems to predominate in much of Bulgaria. Sadly, due to being on a bus with bad suspension, every time I tried to photograph said landscape it turned out like the shot here on the right (or worse).

Oh well ... more important to have seen it than to have photographed it, right?

4: An Obstinacy of Closures**

Having mentioned the highlights, I guess I should also say something about the low-points (insofar as there have been any). Probably the lowest was my taxi ride and subsequent hike to the Ukhlovitsa cave near Smolyan ... or at least the outcome of said journey.

See, I'd come down south specifically to go and check out some caves, and knowing how unreliable these things can be, I'd asked the woman at my hotel to call the 'cave people' the night before. They assured her that everything would be open when I got there, and guess what: they lied. But of course, to find this out, I had to get a 70 leva (36-37 Euro) taxi ride into the countryside, and then walk up the side of an enormous cliff face for almost an hour.

Having arrived at the mouth of the cave, a little exhausted from the climb, the following facts became more-or-less instantly clear: I could peer inside all I wanted, holding the bars and trying to spot bats on the roof, but regardless of how many times I knocked on the door of the 'office' (a tiny, precariously balanced cottage on the cliff's edge), I wasn't going to get a response. So I sat down, had a cigarette and cursed the cave people for a while, before descending the mountain and walking back to the taxi.

My driver speculated, as we tore along the winding roads back to Smolyan, that the cave may have been closed due to an Islamic holiday ... which is fine, but why didn't they tell me that? Grrrr.

Still, I was philosophical. I mean, when you travel you sometimes get the bonuses, when you come across really cool stuff that you totally didn't anticipate, and then you get the other times when the things you did anticipate just don't happen. So, y'know, it all balances out in the end.

Besides, there was a lot of incidental stuff to enjoy about the experience, if you ignored the actual point of it. For a start, any day when you climb a mountain is a good day, is it not? And the scenery at the top was fairly awesome ... something I've almost come to expect in this country. Plus, on the way to Ukhlovitsa, my driver and I got warned off by border guards when we almost crossed into Greece by mistake ... so, all in all, quite the little mini-adventure )))

Now I'm on a train heading to Veliko Turnovo, a high-altitude town in Bulgaria's central mountain range, which many travellers and locals place at the top of their 'must-see' list. I've been told numerous horror stories about the trains here: that they catch fire, that they're catastrophically late, that they suddenly halt on top of a mountain and the passengers are told they can't go any further and they have to get off, etc etc. So we'll see whether or not I actually reach the chosen destination today. Either way, it will be interesting ...

See you!

* I stole both of these collective nouns from a website called "tiny online". The first one is normally used for tigers (also rather wonderfully known as "a streak of tigers"), and the second is for herring. I love little-known collective nouns! (Feel free to shake head and roll eyes now.)

** Also from 'tiny', which lists the phrases "a richesse of martens", "an obstinacy of buffalo" and "a ponder of philosophers". Not sure if the last one is genuine or made-up, but either way I like it.

*** A truly brilliant website which collects together public talks on many topics by experts in a huge variety of fields. It's one of those things you find by accident now and again, which make you think "It's so great that this exists!" So, er ... check it out if you've a mind to. It's especially useful if you happen to teach IELTS )))

Abenteuer in der Urwelt

(Adventures in pre-history)

Sometimes people just kinda save your life, y'know?

I don't mean this in the literal sense of someone jumping into the waterhole in which you're drowning, diving deep to free your ankles from the reeds, dragging you to shore and resuscitating you. I mean they save you just by being a) themselves and b) around you at a time when you need it.

I think it happens to all of us at one point or another, and it's certainly happened to me a number of times. Let me give you one example, which occurred six years ago in Moscow, where I lived and worked during my first year as an ESL teacher.

When I arrived in the city, I was allocated a flat which I shared with a complete stranger (and any other 'ESL person' reading this will know exactly how much of a lottery that is!). As it turned out, he was not a fellow English teacher, but a German teacher from the 'Globus' arm of the International House school there. I know "globus" sounds like a mildly embarrassing medical condition, but actually it's the name of their school of international languages.

This guy's name was (and still is) Reinhard, and I was extremely lucky to have drawn him as a flamate – as I appreciated even more after meeting the other male English teachers in Moscow. Quite a few of them* were just awful, having come to Russia either to drink themselves silly, to sleep their way through as much of the local female population as their complete lack of charm would allow, to preach some capitalist creed to the 'ex-commies', or to start fights with Russian guys in bars ... or for other, equally abhorrent reasons. 

Meanwhile, my year in Moscow was the first time I'd lived abroad ... and what a place to start! There were times when it all seemed too much, and I quite seriously thought I was going mad. But it was always sanity-enhancing to get home at night, and find that it really was home. The flat became the 'sanctuary', a place to relax and laugh, cook and eat, drink and talk about lu&e**, and generally to feel sane. So yeah ... have to acknowledge quite a sizeable debt to Mr Reinhard, especially considering what's happened since, with ESL becoming my career and whatnot. He was one of those 'life-saving' people )))

Something else I want to mention here, and it's this: without wishing to cause any offence to people I've known for a long time, I have to say that quite a lot of what happened before Moscow seems kinda vague these days ... as though it were part of some pre-history known only from a partial fossil record.

I mean, of course that's not true of every part of my life. Obviously I remember personal relationships, close friendships, family relations (including those with cats), and lots of stuff about making music and travelling and so forth. But the day-to-day realities of life then – how I spent my working days, what I did on weekends, what things I had in my house, what bills I had to pay, how it felt to be 'me' as I walked down the street on a typical day – a lot of that stuff might as well have taken place in the pre-Cambrian era. So in a way, my little 'Moscow period' was where pre-history ended and history without a prefix began.

You may wonder why I considered it worthwhile mentioning all of this. Well, there's basically one reason. Last night I arrived in Stuttgart, the capital of Baden-Württemberg in southern Germany, and waiting for me on the station was my old flatmate Reinhard, who I hadn't seen since he left Moscow six years ago. It was quite a moment, and I wanted to try and give you a sense of it. That's all )))

Reinhard is in fact a Stuttgart native ... or pretty close to being one. He took me for a drive just outside the city today, and showed me "the mountain where I come from" – meaning the one on which he was born (I think) and which he often played on while suffering the condition of extreme smallness known as 'early childhood'. This, I thought, was a reasonably impressive thing to be able to point out to someone through a car window as you speed along a German motorway.

Not much further down the road we passed a small but unmistakable extinct volcano, classically cone-shaped, which Reinhard told me was "where my parents grew up". Once again, not unimpressive.

Almost as much fun as this was a guided tour through some of Stuttgart's better bars the previous evening (though I'm reasonably sure that none of Reinhard's family members were born or grew up in any of the places he took me to). We got a round of applause as we entered the first of them ... which is certainly as good an introduction to a 'bar crawl' as any I've ever had )))

(Actually, an objective observer would probably have attributed this applause to the fact that a band had finished their set just a second before we went inside ... but why allow an objective observer to spoil the moment, when you open the door of a bar and a crowd of people immediately start clapping and cheering? That would just be silly!)

Back to the pretty Baden-Württemberg countryside that I was talking about before: there were essentially two things which drew us out there today. The first was that I love nature documentaries, especially those produced by the BBC Natural History Unit, of which Sir David Attenborough was the pioneer. (I was happy to discover that Reinhard is also a fan, which was great because it meant he was also keen on the excursion.) The second is that, back when I suffered from extreme smallness, I was completely obsessed with dinosaurs.

See, within a few kilometres of 'Mount Reinhard', there's a quarry at a place called Holzmaden. This place is central to a geographical region called the Swabian Jura, which is quite a remarkable area ... partly because it used to be under the ocean, and partly for its geological make-up. I'm a little fuzzy on the exact details, but it seems that layers of shale formed in the Jura over hundreds of millions of years. And as you know if you've handled shale, it deposits in a different way to other kinds of rock. It forms distinct layers which, with the right tools, can be pulled apart quite cleanly.

The other thing about shale is that it tends to expel oxygen from the spaces it wants to occupy. Oxygen causes bones to decay, but if a creature dies and is then covered in shale, sometimes its bones don't get enough oxygen for this process to occur ... and so they are preserved.

In the 18th Century, a German paleontologist started digging up the layers of shale in this area, and he found some truly astounding things. The Swabian Jura subsequently became the origin of many significant dinosaur finds; without the contribution of this area, your brain probably wouldn't contain quite a few of the 'familiar' images of dinosaurs that we all carry around with us. For example, a pretty hefty percentage of all the icthyosaur*** and plesiosaur**** specimens in the world have been found here. So we got our picture of the prehistoric seas largely from the Swabian Jura.

(Fellow dinosaur nerds may be interested to know that the first archaeopteryx skeleton was also found near here in the 1860s. This creature – a major 'missing link' between the existence of reptiles and the later development of birds – helped fuel Darwin's insistence that all species were created by a process of natural selection. It also seems to have made his wacky theory more palatable to others, so it really was a hugely significant find. Archaeopteryx was actually the thing I wanted most to see, but unfortunately it's on display in a different town to the one we went to. Oh well ... next time.)

Anyway, about 200 years after that mad frenzy of discovery subsided, I was born. Then, six or seven years later, I became aware of dinosaurs, and collected as much paraphernalia related to them as my parents would buy me.

Lastly, a further 25-ish years down the track, David Attenborough and his awesomely talented crew made a brilliant documentary series called The Life of Birds, which is still one of the most fascinating things I've ever seen on a TV screen. In this series he talked about archaeopteryx, and also brought to my attention something that other people would confirm later: if you want to see these amazing fossil finds with your own eyes, one of the best places to start is the Swabian Jura, and in particular Holzmaden.

And so, with Reinhard in agreement, there we were.

I must confess I'm usually not that much of a museum person, though I do make exceptions. (I can never pass up the 'oddball' ones, like the Museum of Parasites in Tokyo, or the occasional vast-and-undeniably-fabulous collection like the Hermitage in St. Petersburg.) And though we were only there for about an hour and a half, The Holzmaden Museum of Prehistory definitely makes it onto my list of favourites. The paleontologists' workshops were really great, and in three of the four main display rooms, at least 50% of all the things I saw just blew my mind.

Too many highlights to mention here, but the ammonites were great (Reinhard told me he often used to find them on 'his' mountain), and I loved the details in the skulls and tailbones of the icthyosaurs.

However, in some ways perhaps the best exhibit was an an enormous display of lily fossils, frozen in their ancient form and covering an entire wall. Whereas all the other things we saw here were extraordinary for scientific reasons, this one was difficult not to regard as a work of art, with nature itself holding the brushes.

I would absolutely love to have this thing on my living room wall (though admittedly, I'd need a bigger living room than any I'm ever likely to have!). It would give my eyes an excuse to wander for indefinite periods across the canvas, with my thoughts following. This kind of languid visual and mental 'wandering' is one of the most enjoyable reactions I've ever had to visual art, and it reminds me of Kandinsky's answer to the question "How do you create your paintings?" He answered "I take a line for a walk." 

A lot of my favourite art takes me for that kind of walk ... and here, in Holzmaden, were a bunch of flowers in a swamp doing exactly the same thing. Amazing )))

Ooh, and one more thing: after you've checked out all the exhibits, you can pay a fee and the curators give you some tools and let you loose in the quarry outside the museum, where some of the fossils on display were found. Unfortunately I had a plane to catch and so wasn't able to search for my own archaeopteryx specimen ... but what a cool idea!

So that was my day out in the Swabian Jura, thinking a lot about pre-history – both my own subjective kind, and the actual kind.

Thanks again, Reinhard. See you in another five or six years, in a completely different city, where we'll do a completely different thing. Don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to it already :-)

(* Just want to stress that this doesn't apply to every male teacher I met Russia's capital. Only to, y'know, a significant percentage of them.)

** 'Life, The Universe and Everything' – the title of a novel by Douglas Adams, of whom both Reinhard and myself are big fans.

*** Enormous swimmy-about things that looked kinda like ancient sharks. The "20-foot fish" above is one of them.

**** Those swimming dinosaurs that resemble popular artists' depictions of the Loch Ness Monster.