Extreme Pramming

Let me tell you my theory about how Ukraine could increase its medal tally at the next Olympics.

MEDIUM INTENSITY ROADWORK MATRIX

Lviv, Ukraine, 05.07.12

To achieve this, all they'd have to do is argue successfully for the inclusion of a new and rather unconventional sport. Judging by some of the sports that are already contested at the Olympics, I'd say they've got a fair chance.

The sport in question is called 'Extreme Pramming'.

Extreme Pramming has much to recommend it. First of all, the women's competition would be much fiercer and more well-paid than the men's, redressing current gender imbalances in professional sport. Second, it would probably appeal to a young, 'cool' demographic for whom traditional sports hold little appeal.

And third ...
well, third, it would just rock.

INTERMEDIATE LEVEL SNOW CHALLENGE

Lviv, Ukraine, 16.03.13

But why am I so confident that Ukraine would take home the lion's share of medals in this exciting new competitive event? Well, because I've seen the obstacles which pram-pushing mothers in Lviv deal with on a regular basis.

These (sometimes disturbingly) young athletes-in-training routinely take on terrain that would send mothers in cushy Western countries screaming indignantly to their local councils. And yet, invariably they emerge as victors.

In other words: if you're Ukrainian, and a woman over the age of, say, 22, there's a damn good possibility that you can push a pram over just about frikkin' anything.

So here's what I think they should do:

First, build Extreme Pramming courses in several major cities and 'off-beat sporting capitals' around the world. (I'm thinking of Queenstown, for example, in the second category.) A typical course would feature most or all of the following

: streets with huge holes in them
: streets that are completely dug up (with no roadwork signs
  of course)
: 40cm walls of snow
: ice-covered staircases that have effectively turned into slides
: manholes that sit about 10cm higher than the rest of the pavement
: other manholes that collapse if you step on them
: trenches dug by road workers and left open
: mysterious mounds of Earth which, with the passage of time,
  have become lightly grassed over
: tram lines with no special crossings for prams/wheelchairs/anyone
: wire fences everywhere, separating patches of nothing-in-particular
  from other patches of nothing-in-particular
: occasional tank traps
: cobble stones that have subsided, achieving an eye-catching
  multi-level effect (though they were probably replaced no more
  than a year ago)
: a lovely collection of sharp pieces of twisted metal, sticking up out
  of the ground at random intervals.

Each course would have about five tonnes of dust and gravel dumped on it, and would be patrolled by hungry-eyed street dogs and angry grandmas dispensing unsolicited advice. Drivers would tear around the roads in ridiculous penis-mobiles, too phenomenally dim to understand the basic principles governing the use of traffic lights, roundabouts and pedestrian crossings (or too goddam self-absorbed to care).

POSITIVE GRADIENT GRAVEL RUN

Slavs'ko Ukraine, 12.05.13

Then, of course, you'd need some industrial-strength prams for competitors to use on the courses. To accurately replicate Ukrainian conditions, each pram should ideally resemble a small, gaily-coloured tank (see the snow pic above).

Once the set-up phase is complete, promote the Hell out of the new venture as the latest in wacky extreme sports. At the very least, it should attract some Finns and Scandinavians (when you consider that the world wife-carrying championships are nearly always held in, and dominated by, those countries), a good number of New Zealanders (up for anything that combines physical exercise with the potential for serious injury) and fans of similarly silly sporting pursuits, like the wonderful and incomparable 'Extreme Ironing'.

Having achieved worldwide cult status, the next (and trickiest) part will be to convince the International Olympic Committee. But you know, I think there's one word in the English language which, to me, expresses all that needs to be expressed about why the IOC and the Ukrainian authorities may well be a perfect match for each other. That word is "bribe". A few million hryvnia* applied here and there, in just the right places, and I think there's a pretty decent chance that in 2016, we'll see Extreme Pramming in Rio.

And then ... well, for Ukraine it will be "goodbye" to its current over-reliance on boxers, and "hello" to a medal count that any country could be proud of.

So then ... is that a cunning plan, or what?

Yep, I thought you'd agree.

Bye :-)

* Ukrainian currency.